well here's what's been going on in the past approximately 3 weeks:

people have a lot of issues. i blame seasonal depression. even though it's really not that big of a change. i think we need our regular snowfall the day after Thanksgiving for people to go really nuts. anyway--people have been showing me these sides of them that i never realized were there. and you know what? there's a good 50% that i don't mind and that i like better, a solid 40% that i find annoying and stupid, and a 10% of personality flips that i totally saw coming. and like i said, mostly, it's fine and i don't mind. at all. but there's that almost 50% of people who are bugging the living daylights out of me.

people who are all like, "here's my method of doing this. it's what works for me. it's really helped me with this, that and the other thing. i love it and it's really cool for this. i always do this when i don't know how to do that. it's really easy that way." here's a news flash--i don't really care. all i really want is a simple answer, a simple 'how-to', a plain, simple, easy "just do that, then you'll have this." EASY. i don't care about why it works especially for you. just tell me how and i'll keep going about my business, leaving you alone. no biggie.

people who can just pick someone. Choose them because they're "amazing" or "talented" or "fantastic" or some other adjective that really has no menaing unless you go into detail about why they are fantastic or amazing or whatever and just decide to run with it. it's irrational and stupid and i can't even wrap my mind around how they can do this. it's going to earn them a broken heart and then they'll be an emo kid and will that make me want to spend any more time around them than i do now? not particularly.

people who try to tell me to calm down. ok. stoppit.

some of them i've never even noticed before (now i'm talking about the people). i had never seen these people before--or i probably have, i just don't remember cos they were boring and didn't register. but now, for some odd reason, i see them everywhere and it's like, "$hit, who's creepinon me today?"

Emotional issues that haven't been voiced have been running through my head and all i can think is, "What did i do wrong this time? What did i do? what did i say? How do i make it better? I must have done something." But here's what sucks--i KNOW that i haven't done anything. This one person hasn't legitimately spoken to me in....months, i'll say (don't get me wrong, we talk, but it's not like what it used to be. they aren't conversations, you know?) so i know for a FACT that it's all this one person's problems and $hit and they just decide "Oh hey, Rachel never tells me off. Let me just treat her like crap until i feel better, then i'll act like nothing's fuckin wrong. No big deal cos she won't bring it up and she won't tell me to stop."

Here's the problem--i am sick and tired of all their bullshit that i'm so close to just telling them that we are done and i never want to have anything to do with them again.

But i know that i can't do that. or at least i think that i can't. This person and i have gone through rough patches before. and i know that they need me, even though they never seem to appreciate me always being there for them. they should know that they can come to me for anything and i'd do anything i could to help them or talk them down or fix whatever happened.

but that doesn't matter. because this person and i have had this talk before. and, let's see, a week later, it happened again. and i tried to talk to them. i did. and did they listen? no. they called me all kinds of things and they said that they never wanted to talk to me agian and for me to leave them alone. so that's what i did. we didn't talk for 3 and a half months and that's the longest we've gone. when finally, they ask me, "Hey, what's wrong with you?" and instead of me telling them that this is what they wanted, i say "nothing." and we're happy...until the same thing happened again. and again. and again.

it doesn't stop and it's a vicious cycle.

everytime there's something wrong with them and i can see it and sense it in how they're acting or how they aren't talking to me. i'm not allowed to ask what's wrong. if i ask what's wrong, they lash out at me and i'm hurt. so i leave them alone until they decide to stop being a psycho.

but here's what's funny--whenever i'm upset and i don't want to talk to anybody about anything and i just want to get through the day and go home, they're allowed to ask as many questions as possible. they have so many boundaries and walls and things and they demand that people respect those. but anyone else's boundaries--BOOM! they're crossed immediately. and when i say what they say to me on a monthly basis, they get all offended and are like, "where is this coming from? what's your problem?" and in those moments, i want nothing more than to hit them and scream that THEY'RE MY PROBLEM!

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DIFFERENT STORY!!!!
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Sometimes, it's crazy scary noticeable when a person is acting different: sometimes, it's like "Huh, who knew that kind of person was hiding in there?"

fickle, fickle people who have nothing else better to do than self-deprecate and then have ANOTHER bipolar moment and belittle someone else. then, one more 180 flip, they turn on the person who tells them to back off and then they storm away like a child. a spoiled child.

and do i go after them? nope. do i think about maybe going after them? not really, cos i know how that'll go.

so what have i been doing about this? nothing. i wait for them to come around.

does it really bug me? no. i know that all i did was tell them to stop bashing themselves into the ground, especially around me. they can self deprecate all they want with the other little snotty emo kids but if they want to talk to me, it had beter be relevant and i had better give a damn or i'm just gonna leave.

people are truly my biggest pet peeve. if it weren't for law enforcement, i'd probably have solved my problems right now. sometimes, i just think about things that i could show people to do to them to show that their life isn't as crapy as they think it is and that they should really just pull up their pants and quit shitting all over my life, something that will shock them or scare them or something so they'll treat me with some sort of respect.

but then i stop myself cos i feel like a less sketchy version of Jig Saw and that's not really where i want to go with my life.